Spletna stran uporablja piškotke. Z nadaljevanjem brskanja po naši strani se strinjate s pravili uporabe piškotkov.V redu

ZDRAVJEZDRAVJE E-KNJIGEZDRAVJE PREHRANAZDRAVJE ODNOSIZDRAVJE VZGOJATERAPIJE ZDRAVJEZDRAVJE DUHOVNOST

     ZAKONSKA TERAPIJA


MEDOSEBNI ODNOSI, UREJANJE ODNOSOV

 

POVZETKI IZ LITERATURE:

1. TEORIJA IZBIRE: NOVA PSIHOLOGIJA OSEBNE SVOBODE - DR. William Glasser

 

2. SEZNAM VPRAŠANJ, KI SO NAM LAHKO V POMOČ PRI UREJANJU ODNOSOV:

 

PSIHOTERAPIJA IN SVETOVANJE, DRUŽINSKA, PARTNERSKA IN INDIVIDUALNA TERAPIJA

 

3. 101 NAČIN, KAKO IZBOLJŠATI ODNOS (V ANGLEŠČINI)

Zdravje s proizvodi CaliVite   Poceni in kvalitetno lektoriranje diplomskih nalog. Pri lektoriranju brezplačen prevod povzetka diplomske naloge.   MMS – čudežni mineral

1. TEORIJA IZBIRE: NOVA PSIHOLOGIJA OSEBNE SVOBODE - DR. William Glasser

 

Legenda: PZN (psihologija zunanjega nadzora), TI (teorija izbire), SK (svet kakovosti), RT (realitetna terapija), CV (celostno vedenje)

 

Če ne trpimo zaradi posledic starosti, revščine ali narušenega zdravja, je večina težav posledica nezadovoljujočih medsebojnih odnosov.

Če živimo teorijo izbire, postanemo učinkovitejši, ker se posvetimo kakovosti informacij, ki jih dajemo drugim in ne sredstvom, s katerimi bi jih prisilili, da naše informacije upoštevajo.

To omogoča stalno rast kakovosti odnosov med zakoncema, starši in otrokom, učitelji, učenci, vodjo in delavci in ljudmi nasploh.

Zadovoljstvo lahko dobimo brez upoštevanja drugih, srečo pa le, če se znamo srečati z drugimi.

POTREBUJEMO NOVO PSIHOLOGIJO:

Teorija izbire pravi, da si izbiramo prav vse, vključno z nezadovoljstvom, ki ga občutimo. Drugi nas ne morejo niti onesrečiti niti osrečiti. Vse, kar nam drugi dajo, je le informacija, vendar nas ne more pripraviti do tega, da bi nekaj naredili ali občutili. Gre le v naše možgane, kjer jo obdelamo in nato odločimo, kaj bomo.

Seme naše nesreče je posejano zgodaj, ko se začnemo srečevati z ljudmi, ki so spoznali, kaj je dobro tudi na nas. Čutijo se poklicani prisiliti nas k tistemu, kar vedo, da je prav.

TI  je poskus odgovora na vprašanje: Kako naj si izborim pravico, da živim tako, kot hočem, a se še vedno dobro razumem z ljudmi, ki jih potrebujem?

To univerzalno psihologijo, ki razdira medsebojne odnose, saj uničuje osebno svobodo, imenujem psihologija zunanjega nadzora. Ta nadzor je lahko rahel, kot je to neodobravajoč pogled,  ali očiten kot grožnja s smrtjo. To je poskus prisiliti nas, da naredimo nekaj, kar nočemo narediti. Tega je toliko, da že verjamemo, da nas drugi prisilijo k počutju, v kakršnem smo, ali v tisto kar počnemo. Ta vera nam jemlje osebno svobodo, ki jo vsi potrebujemo in hočemo.

Predpostavka psihologije zunanjega nadzora sveta: Kaznuj ljudi, ki grešijo, da bodo delali tako, kot pravimo, da je prav, nato pa jih nagradi, da bodo nadaljevali kot hočemo. Predstavniki države, učitelji, vodstveni delavci idr, jo povsem podpirajo. Imamo jo celo za zdravo pamet, saj je z nami že tako dolgo. Vendar je uničujoča za medsebojne odnose.

TI pa je psihologija notranjega nadzora; razlaga zakaj in kako sprejemamo izbire, ki določajo našo življenjsko pot. Pri poskusih, kako v življenju uporabljati psihologijo notranjega nadzora se bomo stalno spraševali: »Ali me bo to, kar nameravam storiti, z ljudmi zbližalo ali razdvojilo?«

Terapevti bi lahko namesto sistemskega pristopa, ki uči kako najti način, po katerem bi družinski sistem deloval bolje za vse vpletene, uporabljali TI, ki uči vsakogar, ne le nesrečne, kako se bolje razumeti z ljudmi okoli nas.

Načini psihologije zunanjega nadzora:

1. Od nekoga pričakuješ nekaj, kar on noče narediti. Skušaš ga nekako prisiliti. »Ti me žalostiš, zato hočem, da se spremeniš.«

2. Nekdo drug te skuša prisilite k nečemu, česar nočeš.

3. Drug drugega sta hotela prisiliti v nekaj, kar ni hotel nobeden. V svoj SK vstaviš sliko, ki presega odnos in je že lastitev. Vsak lastitev je začetek propada odnosa.

4. Samega sebe skušaš prisiliti v nekaj, kar je boleče ali povsem nemogoče.

 

Le pri prijateljih praviloma ne uporabljamo PZN, ampak nezavedno uporabljamo TI.

Pri ostalih odnosih je pogosto prisotno lastništvo – lastimo si otroke, soproge, učence, zaposlene... in jih silimo, da delajo tako, kot hočemo mi.

Mnoge matere se zanašajo na PZN, da bi prisilile svoje otroke v občutke krivde. Vendar je tudi izbira občutka krivde – izbira. Uporaba in ponotranjenje TI nas občutka krivde osvobodi in izbiramo boljše odločitve.

Pogosto je to, da smo nesrečni, posledica našega obtoževanja drugih za našo nesrečo ali naših poskusov nadzorovati druge, čeprav nam to v bistvu škoduje.

Svojemu otroku je dobro povedati (PNN-TI), da ga ne bomo več kaznovali, da je vajin odnos pomembnejši od njegovih šolskih obveznosti in da bi radi z njim počeli tiste prijetne stvari, ki sta jih že nekoč. Njemu je jasno, da hočete, naj opravlja svoje šolske obveznosti; to ste že več kot nazorno pokazali. Nadaljnje ponavljanje enega in istega je povsem neproduktivno. Če se lahko zbližata, so možnosti, da bo zopet začel opravljati svoje šolske obveznosti in vse drugo, kar od njega pričakujete, veliko večje, kot pa če si ostaneta tujca.

Zavedati se moramo, da če nekoga predolgo silimo v nekaj, prestopimo točko možne vrnitve. S to osebo si morda ne bomo nikoli več blizu. Ob pomanjkanju te bližine se začno nekateri otroci odpovedovati odnosom z ljudmi in nekega dne se za vedno podajo na iskanje užitka brez odnosa (droge, sex brez ljubezni, zloraba hrane, nasilje...) Potrebno je razumeti razliko med iskanjem sreče v odnosu in iskanjem zadovoljstva brez odnosa – zato je tudi tako težko pomagati nesrečnim ljudem, ki iščejo zadovoljstvo in ne sreče, saj sami več ne poskušajo imeti odnosov.

Za vzpostavitev in ohranitev odnosov moramo prenehati izbirati prisilo, siljenje, kaznovanje, nagrajevanje, manipuliranje, ukazovanje, motiviranje, kritiziranje, valjenje krivde, pritoževanje, zbadanje, nadlegovanje, razvrščanje, zmerjanje ali umikanje in jih nadomestiti z izbiranjem skrbi, prisluha, podpore, pogajanj, spodbud, ljubezni, pomoči, zaupanja, sprejemanja, dobrodošlice in spoštovanja. Ti pojmi definirajo razliko med psihologijo zunanjega nadzora in teorijo izbire.

OSNOVNE POTREBE IN OBČUTKI

Ko se rodimo, jočemo in sitnarimo in to je naš način s katerim skušamo prisiliti mater, da bi poskrbela za nas. To nas uvede v doživljenjsko prakso poskusov nadzorovanja drugih.

Imamo predvsem fiziološko potrebo po PREŽIVETJU in štiri psihološke potrebe: po LJUBEZNI in PRIPADNOSTI, po MOČI, po SVOBODI in po ZABAVI.

Vse naše vedenje je vedno naša najboljša izbira tistega trenutka, ko izbiramo zadovoljujemo eno ali več od teh potreb.

Potreba po preživetju vključuje tudi reprodukcijo, potrebo po spolnosti. Svoje gene za preživetje lahko zadovoljujemo s spolnostjo brez ljubezni. Ko nekoga prizadenemo, lahko tudi uživamo in to zadovolji našo potrebo po moči, čeprav obenem frustrira našo potrebo po ljubezni in pripadnosti.

Pazite se ljudi, za katere se zdi, da zlahka dosegajo zadovoljstvo, a nimajo tesnih prijateljev. Njihov humor je le na račun drugih. Kdor nima dobrih prijateljev, tudi ne zna ljubiti.

Bolečina in bolezen nam pove, da je ogrožena potreba po preživetju. Če nas zapusti partner, otroci... je nezadovoljena potreba po pripadnosti in ljubezni. Če si v službi živčen pred napredovanjem, je ogrožena potreba po moči. Če računaš, da boš prost, pa pride kaj vmes, je ogrožena potreba po svobodi, če hočeš igrati tenis, pa začne deževati se počutiš slabo, zaradi potrebe po zabavi.

Če izgubiš svobodo, izgubiš sposobnost konstruktivne kreativnosti. Naša nekonstruktivna kreativnost nam lahko prinese med drugim tudi bolezen.

»Če boš storil, kot ti pravim, te bom zaščitil pred silami zla«, je delovno geslo vsakega tirana.

Zabava: Dan, ko se prenehamo igrati, je dan, ko se prenehamo učiti.

Kadarkoli pride v zakonu do napetosti, pomeni, da se je ravnotežje med potrebami po ljubezni, moči in svobodi podrlo. Eden ali drugi hoče več moči ali več svobode, če naj vloži v zakonsko zvezo toliko ljubezni, kot je zakon potrebuje.

VAŠ SVET KAKOVOSTI

TI razlaga, da je razlog, da zaznava svet oziroma dobršen del resničnosti vsak drugače notranji svet posameznika imenovan svet kakovosti. SK – ljudi, stvari, ideje ali sisteme prepričanj. Vsakič, ko se zelo dobro počutimo, izbiramo takšno vedenje, da se nekdo, nekaj ali določeno prepričanje v resničnem svetu približa sliki te osebe, stvari ali prepričanja v našem SK. Vsakič, ko uspemo zadovoljiti sliko iz tega sveta, uživamo, vsakič, ko ne, trpimo. Nagnjeni pa smo k temu, da ohranjamo tiste slike, pri katerih obstaja kakršna koli možnost, da nam bodo koristile.

Primer: Učence neke srednje šole je potrebno prepričati, da te uvrstijo v svoj SK, in preko tebe učenje, tako da ravnaš z njimi lepo, ne glede na to, kako se obnašajo do tebe. S TI vzpostaviš medsebojne odnose, s pomočjo katerih si začnejo slikati sebe pri zadovoljevanju svojih potreb z ljudmi v šoli.

Vse dokler imajo ljudje kakršno koli antisocialno sliko zadovoljstva (droge, spolnost brez ljubezni…) v svojem svetu kakovosti je vse kar lahko naredimo in ima vsaj malo možnosti za uspeh, vzpostavljanje medsebojnih odnosov in prodor v njihov svet kakovosti.

Če v svojem svetu kakovosti nimamo ljudi, ki bi dajali zadostno oporo, pogosto sledimo ekstremni različici četrte oblike nesreče: poskušamo se prisiliti k nečemu, kar nasprotuje eni ali večim našim osnovnim potrebam: anoreksiki nikoli niso zadovoljni, ne glede na to koliko skrbi in nege dobijo. V resnici nadzorujejo ljudi, ki zanje skrbijo. Starševsko skrb pa si razlagajo kot nadzor. V svojem svetu kakovosti imajo sliko samih sebe vedno bolj suhih kot je podoba v ogledalu. Ko nemočna mladostnica nenadoma pridobi nadzor nad celotno družino, to dene tako dobro, da preprosto ne more začeti jesti. Postane zasvojena od notranjih endorfinov in ne začuti bolečine lakote. Če bi začela jesti, bi izgubila nadzor. S TI dobi otrok že v zgodnjih letih dovolj moči, tako da nima potrebe po nenormalni moči, ki mu jo da anoreksija in je ne zna obvladati.

Da bi se z drugo osebo bolje razumeli, moramo poskušati ugotoviti, kaj vsebuje njen svet kakovosti in ga nato poskušati podpirati. To početje nas bo zbližalo s to osebo bolj kot kar koli drugega.

Ni vedno lahko ugotoviti, kaj se skriva v svetu kakovosti drugega človeka. Večina okleva, ko naj bi razkrila vsebino svojega SK, pa četudi ljudem, ki so jim blizu, saj se bojijo, da ne bodo deležni podpore svojih hotenj, morda bodo celo kritizirani ali se bodo drugi norčevali iz stvari, ki so jim pomembne. Vedo, da si bodo izbrali čustva prizadetosti, jeze ali celo obojega, če bi se to zgodilo.

Če poznate TI, je najboljše svojemu partnerju razložiti SK in povedati, česa se najbolj bojite.

Povedati po resnici (odraščajočemu najstinku): »Rad te imam, a ne morem podpirati vsega, kar hočeš storiti.«

TI uči, da je moj SK jedro mojega življenja in ne življenje koga drugega.

V svojem SK imamo ljudi ker menimo ali vsaj upamo, da se bomo dobro počutili z njimi, oziroma slabo brez njih. Skoraj vse stvari, ki jih izbiramo za svoj SK, so na neki način povezane z ljudmi, saj ravno povezanost ustvarja dobro počutje, ki si ga vsi tako želimo. Posedovanje lepe hiše, hitrega avtomobila ali dragocene slike ne prestavlja takšnega zadovoljstva, če nimamo nikogar, s katerim bi v tem uživali. naši sistemi prepričanj, ki so pomembni za nas, pomenijo kaj malo, če ne moremo prepričati še koga, če ga uspemo prepričati, ga uvrstimo v svoj SK.

Ne glede na grožnje in kazni, ne moremo nikogar prisiliti, da zamenja sliko v svojem SK.

Mlajši učenci se posvečajo učenju, imajo še učitelje v svojem SK. V svoj SK vstavljamo ljudi, stvari in prepričanja, ki so prinašali večje zadovoljstvo od česar koli drugega  znanega.

Bolj ko nam drugi iz našega SK dovolijo opravljati stvari samostojno, hitreje se učimo skrbeti sami zase.

Pri dveh letih hoče otrok nekaj moči in starši so ravno pravi, da se mu pomagajo znebiti tega novega neugodja.

Dobri starši jasno povedo kaj morajo storiti oni, kaj drugi in kaj morajo storiti otroci sami.

Ob vstopu v šolo se zunanji nadzor stopnjuje in to od strani staršev in učiteljev. Vendar, če so starši dovolj modri in pričakovanja podkrepijo z razlago in dovolj močni, da na otrokova upora vedenja ne odgovarjajo maščevalno stvari tečejo, kljub vsemu pa se v najstniških letih številni odnosi starši otroci skrhajo in to ravno v času, ko so dnevno izpostavljeni vrsti priložnosti, da zaidejo v težave in bolj kot kdaj prej potrebujejo svoje starše v svojem svetu kakovosti. Starši se ponavadi poslužujejo prisliljevanja ali pa se uklonijo. Po TI se uklonijo in skušajo sebe obdržati v svetu kakovosti mladostnika. Kako: »Pazljivo spremljaj, kaj počno, ne da bi se oziral, kaj govore.«

 

CELOSTNO VEDENJE

Primer: Najprej vzpostaviti odnos. RT se osredotoča na izboljševanje, nadgradnjo trenutnih odnosov. Uspeh odvisen od odnosa, ki se vzpostavi med stranko in svetovalcem. Preteklost ni nikoli problem. Razložil mu bom, da ni zadovoljen s trenutnim odnosom. Sam si izbira nesrečo zaradi katere trpi, on pa misli, da se nesreča kar dogaja. Razkril mu bom, da si izbira depresiranje, da bi tako opravil s tistim, kar počne njegova žena, njemu pa to ni všeč. Razložil tudi to zakaj sem spremenil pridevnik depresiven v glagol depresirati. Ta sprememba nas uči, da aktivno izbiramo to, nad čemer se pritožujemo in da se naučimo izbirati drugače ter znebiti se pritoževanja.

Ponudiš mu dve možnosti, ki mu ne bosta všeč:

1. lahko se odloči spremeniti svoja pričakovanja, hotenja do žene in/ali,

2. lahko spremeni svoje obnašanje, (to kar dela) do nje,

3. spremeni oboje.

Vprašanja terapevta: »Ali kogar koli obtožujete za svoje počutje?« »Ali si jo/ga želite nazaj?« »Kaj ste počeli, odkar vas je zapustila?« »Odkar je odšla, ste se odločili za naslednja ravnanja…« »Ali vam to vedenje pomaga obvladovati položaj, kaj bi lahko izbrali bolj učinkovitega?« »Ali je pomembno, od koga ste se naučili takšne dominance? - Vaši starši me ne zanimajo.« »Odrasli ste, zanima me, kaj boste storili zdaj. Zanima me, kaj hočete vi? In, če vam lahko pomagam izbrati pot, ki vas bo pripeljala tja. Ali mislite, da je odšla za vedno?« »Kaj bi ji rekli, če bi se lahko ta trenutek z njo pogovorili?« »Napišite ji pismo, ne pozabiti povedati, da ste se pripravljeni spremeniti in iz srca.« »Še dolgo bom nesrečen« reče pacient, - »Vzemite si koliko časa hočete..« »Kaj načrtujete za danes?«

RT vključuje razlago TI uporabnikom. Vse kar lahko počneš od rojstva do smrti je, da se vedeš in to tako, da nam daje najučinkovitejši nadzor nad našim življenjem – tako, da čim bolj zadovoljujemo slike v našem SK.

Depresiramo daljši čas: poimenujemo klinična depresija in se jo obravnava kot duševno bolezen – neravnovesje v kemiji možganov. Depresiranje si izbere kot poskus soočanja s položajem in pomagati mu izbirati boljše možnosti brez zdravil.

Vsa naša čustva in občutja so posredno izbrana (preko razmišljanj in dejavnosti) – tudi posredna izbira je izbira.

Celostno vedenje: vedno ga sestavljajo vse štiri komponente- mislim, čutim, delujem, telujem – razmišljanje, delovanje, čutenje in fiziologija. Celostno vedenje označujemo po njegovi najočitnejši sestavini. Neposreden nadzor imamo le nad svojo dejavnostjo in razmišljanjem. Če ponavljaš določeno misel venomer v glavi, je to zato, ker daje nad nekaterimi vidiki življenja boljši nadzor, kot druga misel, ki bi si jo lahko izbrali tisti trenutek. Npr. vse dokler razmišljam o njej imam morda možnost, da jo pridobim nazaj; da je odšla za stalno, ni hotel niti pomisliti. Depresiranje mu je dalo boljši nadzor nad njegovim življenjem kot kaj drugega, česar bi se lahko v teh okoliščinah domislil.

Jezenje je izbira vedenja, ko nimamo učinkovitega nadzora nad svojim življenjem in zadovoljene kakšne slike iz SK. Je vgrajen v naše gene in ga uporabljamo že iz otroštva. A je običajno neučinkovita izbira. Depresiranje pa je eden od najučinovitejših načinov brzdanja jeze, kar jih je odkril človek, zato ga tudi vsi uporabljamo tako pogosto. Samomor pa naslednja oblika. Znaki boljšega počutja pri osebi, ki depresira lahko pomenijo, da razmišlja o samomoru. Depresiranje - poskus prevzeti nadzor nad drugimi, kljub bolečini, ki jo prinaša. Depresiranje lahko tudi uporabljamo kot poskus in izgovor, da ne naredimo nečesa, česar nočemo ali ne upamo.

Sam si izbereš, kar počneš, a sposoben si tudi boljše izbire.

SKLADNOST, OSEBNOST IN MOČ POTREB

Nekateri imajo veliko potrebo po ljubezni in pripadnosti, drugi imajo močno potrebo po moči ali svobodi. Jakost vsake posamezne potrebe je naravnana ob rojstvu in se ne spreminja. Ne le, da se ne bi smeli poročiti z osebo katere osebnost je očitno drugačna, ne bi se smeli celo spusti v noben odnos z nikomer…

Če ste se pripravljeni odpovedati nadzorovanju drug drugega in začeti uporabljati v odnosu TI, se je običajno možno dogovoriti o razlikah. A da bi se lahko smotrno pogajali, morate najprej poznati te razlike – to je potrebe, ki so v konfliktu. Ko to informacijo imata, se lahko osredotočite in pogajate o razlikah ter prenehate kritizirati in valiti krivdo drug na drugega na tistih področjih, kjer sta s partnerjem v bistvu skladna.

KROG REŠITVE je en od možnosti uporabe TI pri reševanju težav v zakonu – je dogovor o projekciji zakona ali kateregakoli drugega odnosa v veliki krog, ki ga je koristno namišljeno narisati na tla. Partnerja vzameta stola in sedeta vanj – so tri stranke: mož, žena in zakon sam. Ugotovita, da branita položaja, zaradi razlike v jakosti njunih potreb. Ko vstopita v krog se dogovorita, da ima zakon prednost pred vsakimi hotenji posameznika – oba poznata TI. Če je eden izven kroga zakon krvavi, če sta oba izven kroga bo zakona kmalu konec. Ko vstopata v krog se dogovorita, da ne bosta ogrožala zakona. Ne glede na resnost nesporazuma morata ostati v krogu in najti rešitev. Če v prvem poskusu ne dosežeta sporazuma mora biti eden ali celo oba pripravljena reči: »Kar hočem zdaj, je zame pomembnejše od najinega zakona, zato bom zdaj izstopil iz kroga, a sem pripravljen znova poskusiti jutri.« Npr. pomembneje je ostati zame v krogu, kot pa trošiti ali varčevati denar (potreba po preživetju). Krog bo deloval zgolj v primeru, če sta partnerja zavezana TI, če razumeta svoje potrebe, njihovo jakost, SK in celostno vedenje(CV). Stopite v krog in povejte, kaj ste pripravljeni drug drugemu dati, ne kaj pričakujte in to zato, ker lahko nadzorujemo zgolj lastno vedenje.

Neskladje v jakosti potrebe po ljubezni in pripadnosti se meri s tem, koliko smo pripravljeni dati in ne koliko smo pripravljeni sprejemati. Zavedati se moramo, da je ne moremo dobiti več, kot je je pripravljen dati naš partner, dati pa je ne moremo nič več, kot je zapisano v naših genih. Preskus za ljubezen in pripadnost je stalno nadaljevanje poskusov, da bi ustregli partnerju vsaj toliko ali še bolj, kot zadovoljili samega sebe. Ko začne zgodaj v zakonu spolnost postajati vse redkejša, to ni zato, ker paru primanjkuje hormonov, ampak ker začuti eden ali oba, da spolnosti ne spremlja dovolj ljubezni, ki jo odganja ponavadi prevelika mera nadzora.

Po mojem bi bila do njih pravična (vodja z močno potrebo po moči), če bi bilo očitno, da so se sprijaznili s tem, da si jih lasti. Videl sem že veliko zaposlenih, ki je naredilo tako; to sploh ni težko, če nimaš močne potrebe po moči.

Za razliko od potreb po preživetju in ljubezni se lahko o potrebi po moči redko pogajamo v krogu rešitve. Ljudje z močno potrebo po moči poskušajo izriniti partnerja iz kroga, še preden se tega sploh zavejo.

Ljudje z močno potrebo po svobodi trpijo v vseh dolgotrajnih zvezah, še najbolj pa v zakonski zvezi. Bistvo svobode je, da se te nihče ne lasti. Ko si jih poskuša kdo svojiti, se ne branijo, kot to običajno počno ljudje z močno potrebo po moči, ampak odidejo. Zakon ima največje možnosti, če imata oba zakonca šibki potrebi po moči in svobodi. Če je zabava nagrada za učenje potem imajo partnerji, ki se skupaj učijo najboljše možnosti, da ostanejo skupaj.

Za najboljše zakone je torej značilna povprečna obojestranska potreba po preživetju, močna potreba po ljubezni in pripadnosti, šibki potrebi po moči in svobodi ter močna potreba po zabavi.

Jakost potrebe po preživetju lahko oceniš; koliko si pripravljen na tveganja (v primerjavi z drugimi), bolj kot si, šibkejša je ta potreba. Potrebo po ljubezni in pripadnosti ocenjujemo glede na to, koliko smo pripravljeni dajati, ne sprejemati! Ljubezen in spolnost – nikoli se ne bi smel poročiti z nekom, s katerim ne bi bila prijatelja, če ne bi bilo spolnosti. Moč ocenjuješ tako, da  pogledaš, če imaš zmerom zadnjo besedo, če si lastiš ljudi in če ti drugi v vsem kar rečeš in storiš pritrjujejo. Če ne preneseš ideja spoštovanja pravil, prilagajanja ali celo vztrajanja na enem mestu imaš močno potrebo po svobodi. Če je v vašem svetu kakovosti le nekaj ljudi, a ste si z njimi zelo blizu, imate morda močno potrebo po ljubezni in šibkejšo po pripadnosti. Če pa veliko ljudi pa z nikomer zelo blizu, je močna potreba po pripadnosti in šibka po ljubezni. Če spoznaš temeljno načelo TI, nima smisla partnerja obtoževati za to kakršen je – podobno temu, da ga obtožuješ, da ni dovolj visok.

Nezadovoljujoči zakoni so daleč najpogostejši razlog človekovega trpljenja.

Že majhen kompromis pošilja sporočilo, zame je pomembnejši najin odnos, kot pa moje osebne želje!

Sociopat se ne meni za nič drugega kot za moč in osebno svobodo in ga ne zanimajo potrebe kogar koli drugega.

KONFLIKT IN REALITETNA TERAPIJA

Ko imamo v svojem SK hkrati dve nasprotujoči si sliki, smo žrtve konflikta. Bolj ko se nagibamo k eni, bolj frustriramo drugo. Hočem biti vitek, a nočem se odreči hrani, niti telovaditi. Velikost konflikta je premosorazmerna jakosti konfliktnih slik. Najhujši konflikt je med ljubeznijo in pripadnostjo – vrniti se k družini ali oditi z novo ljubeznijo. Najobičajnejše vedenje ob soočenju s konfliktom je močno depresiranje.

Za razliko od tradicionalne psihoterapije, ki jemlje veliko časa, RT izloči oz. izključi:

1. Nobene potrebe ni na dolgo in široko razglabljati o problemu. To je vedno nezadovoljujoč aktualni odnos. Posvetiti se trenutnemu odnosu že na prvem sestanku.

2. Problem je vedno v sedanjosti in ni potrebe po dolgotrajnem intenzivnem raziskovanju strankine preteklosti. Tudi, če se ni nikoli naučila zaupati ljudem, ker je bila žrtev zlorab, je zanjo težava zadovoljujoč odnos v sedanjosti. Nihče ne more spremeniti, kar je naredil sam ali kdo drug. Lahko le gradi učinkovitejšo sedanjost.

3. Pri psihoanalizi se porabi veliko časa za poizvedovanje in poslušanje strankinega pritoževanja nad njenimi simptomi, dejanji drugih, svetom… Resničen problem pa je kakšno vedenje si stranka izbira v sedanjosti.

Vztrajanje pri vsem tem in kaj lahko stranka naredi sama, pomaga stranki razumeti, da lahko povsem svobodno živi učinkovitejše življenje. Ne more imeti vse svobode v sedanjem življenju, svobodno pa se odloča, da pozabi na preteklost in preneha kriviti druge, kar ji jemlje veliko dragocenega časa, ki bi ga lahko uporabila za sprejemanje veliko uporabnejših odločitev.

Terapevtska vprašanja: »Začnite kjerkoli, to sploh ni pomembno… Lahko tudi jokate med govorjenjem, saj ste prišli sem po pomoč… Pomagati, da si izbere kakšno zadovoljujoče početje, ki nima nobene zveze s konflikotom, medtem ko čaka na njegovo razrešitev… Stavim, da tudi to, da ste prišli sem, ni bila lahka odločitev… Tukaj sem zato, da vam pomagam spopasti se s tistim, kar vas je pripeljalo k meni…Vse kar morate storite je, da poveste svojo zgodbo, razmišljate o tem, kar poveva oba in da ste odkriti… Že s tem ko govorite o problemu, si pomagate, ljudje nismo ustvarjeni, da bi trpeli sami (da je ne obsojaš in se počuti varno)…Treba je najti način, da jo pripelješ tja, kjer bo našla novo upanje… zakaj ste si izbrali možnost, da pridete k meni, saj ste vendar vedeli, da ne morem povrniti dogodkov in preprečiti, kar se je zgodilo…obravnavati jo tako, kot da je ne bom videl nikoli več, doseči je treba napredek…Poglejva razloge, za vztrajanje doma…Kaj imajo od vas v tem trenutku, takšni kot ste?…Depresiranje uničuje upanje…izvrstno opravičilo za nedejavnost…svetovalec med jokom stranke ne govori, takoj po končanem joku pa…Vendar lahko zdaj naredite kaj za svoje življenje…da še naprej prihajate k meni… konflikta lotiti tako, da  jo usmeriš v področje nad katerim ima večji nadzor…če že grem v preteklost, poskušam najti čas, ko je imela učinkoviti nadzor nad svojim življenjem – učimo se lahko na preteklih uspehih in ne na pretekli nesreči.

Nima smisla govoriti o ljudeh, ki niso več prisotni v njenem življenju. Nikoli ne nakazovati možnosti, da se bodo drugi spremenili, če sama ne bo spremenila svojega vedenja. Terapevtska srečanja tako naravnati, da bodo pomagali pri spopadu s težavami, ki lahko nastopijo pri iskanju novih poti, vedenj, rešitev…

 

 

KREATIVNOST

Stalno smo kreativni, razen, če zaužijemo zdravila, ki onemogočajo kreativnost. Tudi psihotične in »nore« misli so produkt kreativnega sistema. Psihosomatska bolezen: temna stran kreativnosti.

Čustvovanja ne moremo zavrniti, ker nimamo neposrednega nadzora nad čustvi, lahko pa poskusimo izboljšati naše medsebojne odnose ali vzpostaviti bolj zadovoljujoče nove odnose. Ko se začnete zavedati, da vaš imunski sistem ogroža del vaše sicer normalne fiziologije se osredotočite na izboljšanje motečih medsebojnih odnosov, ki so lahko vzrok vsega dogajanja.

Pacientu s psihozo je Glasser rekel: »Prosim pretvarjaj se, da si priseben, ko si z menoj. Tvoja norost me prav nič ne zanima.«

Edini način, da si neko sliko prenehamo želeti je, da jo odstranimo iz svojega SK. Težava je, da naš kreativni sistem ne zazna, da bi bila katera koli slika, ki jo vstavimo vanj, neizvedljiva.

Ljudje ki postanejo psihotični, si želijo dobrih odnosov, vendar niso sposobni drugim ponuditi potrebne skrbi, da bi jim to uspelo. Bipolarno ali manično-depresivno psihozo (nihajoče vedenje gori in dol), si izberejo tudi nekateri uspešni ljudje, kadar so njihovi odnosi z drugimi izjemno nezadovoljujoči.

Fobiranje, tesnobnjenje, paničarjenje, obsedenje, kompulziranje ali posttravmatsko stresiranje so običajni primeri teh kreativnih izbir. Da nebi odšla s svojo novo ljubeznijo od družine si lahko izbere fobiranje ali paničarjenje, saj tako ne bi upala od doma. Lahko bi ji pri terapiji dejal, da se osredotoči na svojega ljubega in če seveda lahko, začne z napadom panike kar v moji navzočnosti. To sporočilo bi ji oteževalo nadaljnje paničarjenje, saj bi se začela nekako zavedati, da je vključena tudi njena izbira. Tehnika razmišljanja o nečem, o čemer nočeš razmišljati, se imenuje paradoksalno svetovanje in je lahko zelo učinkovita. Tudi obsesiranje (da bo umrla, ali da bo umrl njen mož) in kompulziranje (prepogosto umivanje rok – občutki krivde). Tudi postravmatski simptomi (bolečine v glavi, vratu, hrbtu, nepokretnost, strah, tesnoba…). Ljudje, ki trpijo tolikšno onesposobljenost po travmi, ponavadi nimajo kakšnih močnih-tesnih odnosov in tudi ne počnejo ničesar, za kar bi lahko sami rekli, da je kaj vredno.)

Ni dobro (prijazno) sprejemati nesrečnih ljudi kot nemočnih, brezupnih ali nesposobnih, ne glede na to kaj se jim je pripetilo. Prijaznost je vera v resnico in prepričanje, da se ljudje z njo lahko soočijo in jo uporabijo v svojo korist. Resnično sočutje je pomagati ljudem, da si pomagajo sami.

 

 

PRAKSA:

Če si osamljen si ranljiv in se lahko hitro zaljubiš v nekoga, ki je podoben tvoji sliki v SK. Če se ta oseba odziva, smo nenadoma zaljubljeni. Prijetno je biti z nekom, ki nas ne obsoja in ne želi spremeniti, nas sprejema takšne kot smo in lahko z njim delimo naš SK brez strahu pred zavrnitvijo, posmehom, kritiko, obtoževanjem ali pritoževanjem.

Glasser uporablja v terapiji naslednja sporočila:

»Edina oseba, ki jo lahko nadzorujete ste vi sami. Prisiliti ga ne morete v nič, če boste to poskušali, boste stvari samo poslabšali.« Potrebno se je osredotočiti na področje, ki ga lahko obvladuje sama. To je edino področje na katerega se je smiselno osredotočiti. »Potrebno je slediti svoji realnosti, nad njegovo nimate vpliva.«

»Kaj za vas pomeni zakon? Kakšna je vaša slika zakona?«

»Ne se usmerjati v prihodnost. Prenehajte s predvidevanjem. To uničuje to, kar imate sedaj. Osredotočite se, da bi imeli z njim boljše odnose, celo od tistih na začetku. On ve kaj vi hočete, tega vam ni potrebno neprestano ponavljati.«

»Vem, da vam to ne zadostuje, vendar ste v tem trenutku prišli do sem. V nič ga ne morete prisiliti. Če bi rad prihodnost z njim, lahko samo še izboljšujete to, kar imate zdaj. Vztrajanje pri poskusih, da bi ga prisilili v nekaj, česar si ne želi, nima nikakršnega smisla. Nadzorujte zgolj in samo to, kar počnete vi, samo svojo dejavnost. Dobra sedanjost lahko vodi v dobro prihodnost, kilava pa v kilavo prihodnost ali nikakršno.«

Razmišljanje, kaj lahko storim, da se bo spremenil, vodi v frustracijo.

»Če boste izbrali depresiranje, jezenje, godrnjanje, pritoževanje, grožnje, nezvestobo, ga zapustili, zboleli, znoreli…, si boste le zmedli svoje življenje. Ocenite, kje sta vidva (vajina zveza) sedaj v vašem svetu kakovosti.« »Hočem zgolj, da se zavedate, kakšno početje si izbirate.«

»Vam kaj preprečuje, da bi preživeli prelep ljubezni poln konec tedna, potem pa odnos prekinili?«  »Kateri konec tedna vam daje boljšo možnost za skupno prihodnost?« »Šest mesecev sem mu še pripravljena dati, potem pa mu je potrebno povedati, da če ni pripravljen resne zveze, odnos prekiniti, če seveda mislim resno.«

Obstajata dva načina kako se odnos-ljudje oddaljujejo drug od drugega: Boj ali pobeg.

Surovi zakoni – verjame, da je žena njegova last.

Strukturirano zakonsko svetovanje z realitetno terapijo:

Zakonsko svetovanje bi moralo biti prilagojeno specifičnim potrebam odnosa in ne individualnim potrebam vsakega zakonskega partnerja.

Vsak zakonec mora odgovoriti na naslednja vprašanja:

1. Ali ste tukaj ker resnično potrebujete pomoč, ali ste se že odločili za ločitev? Če nista pripravljena, nima svetovanje nikakršnih možnosti.

2. Na kratko kaj menite, da je narobe z vašim zakonom? Dobimo podatke o zunanjem nadzoru in možnost razložiti to zakoncema.

3. Čigavo vedenje lahko nadzorujete? Priprava za 5. in 6. vprašanje, ker po izbruhih po 2. vprašanju ne bo težko odgovoriti, da lahko nadzorujeta le lastno vedenje.

4. Povejte mi eno dobro stvar o zakonu, kakršen je sedaj? Tukaj potrpežljivost! Ko govorita o dobrih točkah, večina jeze in obtoževanja splahni.

5. Kaj ste pripravljeni narediti prihodnji teden, da bi s tem pomagali vašemu zakonu. Kar lahko storite sami, ne glede, kaj lahko stori partner. Svetovalni razgovor zapustita z nečim oprijemljivim, na kar se lahko osredotočita.

6. Ali ste prihodnji teden pripravljeni razmišljati še o čem več, kot ste omenili danes? (V skladu TI!) Še dodatna pozitivna osredotočenost, na koristne naloge.

Odgovori morajo biti omejeni na par stavkov, drugače bodo uničili vse svetovalne napore.

Če sta zakonca bolj prijazno razpoložena po koncu prvega razgovora, jima razloži krog rešitve in poudari, da sta zdaj znotraj njega.

Uporabil je naslednje usmeritve: »Prosim ne počnita tukaj istega, kar sta počela doma. ni vama pomagalo tam in ne bo vama tukaj.

Gotovo mora obstajati še kaj dobrega v vajinem zakonu, če ne me ne bi obiskala in bi se odpravila k odvetniku. Vse kar moramo storiti je, da odkrijemo, kako bi bilo tega še več.

Domača naloga: da se spomnita še kakšne stvari kako bi lahko izboljšala vajin zakon, med tednom pa naredita poleg napovedanega še kaj, s čemer pomagata rešiti zakon.

Krog rešitve: v tem krogu ima zakon prednost pred hotenji vsakega izmed vaju. V tem trenutku sta znotraj. Ali sta bila znotraj tudi ob vajinem prihodu? V krogu je tudi varno govoriti o tem, kar si želita od svojega zakona brez strahu, da bi vas partner zatrl. Tu je zgolj - jaz bom naredil.«

ZAUPANJE IN VAŠA DRUŽINA

Staršev in otrok ne moremo izbrisati iz svojega SK. Celo trpinčeni otroci lažje prenašajo trpinčenje od ljubljenih oseb, kot ločitev od njih. Trpinčeni in zanemarjeni otroci, ko odrastejo so mnogi preveč nezaupljivi do ljudi, da bi sploh poskušali poiskati srečo v resnih razmerjih. Po želji po dobrem počutju sledijo drogam, zadovoljstvu povezanem z nasiljem…

Teorija izbire, družine in vzgoja otrok:

Družinska nesreča največkrat izvira iz poskusov dobronamernih staršev, prisiliti otoke k nečemu, česar ti nočejo. Starši bi morali poznati svoje omejitve in narediti vse kar je možno znotraj teh omejitev.

Omejeni so na nadzor lastnega vedenja in lahko ponudijo le informacije – čeprav ponujajo grožnje, pretepanje…, so to še vedno informacije. S poskusi nadzora uničujemo odnos, ki nam ednini daje določeno mero nadzora.

Ohranjanje propadajočega odnosa živega, je morda najbolje, kar lahko naredimo.

Primer:

Glavobol nastopi, ko ugotovi, da jezenje ne deluje, depresira pa ne, ker bi to imelo škodljivi učinek na njeno službo, ki je najboljši del njenega življenja.

»Če nič, kar počnete, ko pridete domov, ne deluje, bi predlagal, da s tem enostavno prenehate. Problem ni v njej ali vam, problem je v vajinem odnosu. Pri svetovanju pogosto poskuša nakazati, da imeti prav ni ravno učinkovito, če nimaš za to potrebne moči. In mati ni imela moči nad svojo hčerko, čeprav misli, da jo ima.

»Ko boste prišli danes domov se pretvarjajte, da je prijateljica in da je kuhinja pospravljena. Kaj bi naredili potem.« To delati le tri dni. »In če vas bo vprašala zakaj ste nehali vpiti, kaj ji boste rekli?«

»Kaj bom imela od tega?«-»Kaj bi resnično radi s svojo hčerko?«

»Če bi bilo to med vami in vašo materjo, ali mislite, da bi kaj pomagalo pri vas?« »Če jo po treh dneh prijazno povabite, menim da bo prišla, če ne, vztrajajte še en teden. Tako kot govorite s svojimi strankami, prijazno, brez pritiskov.« Vpraša: »Čigavo vedenje lahko nadzorujem?«

 

2. SEZNAM VPRAŠANJ, KI SO NAM LAHKO V POMOČ PRI UREJANJU ODNOSOV:

  

Smo ljudje objekti ali subjekti? -

Kaj je narobe z odnosom?

Lahko drugega v kaj prisilim? Če to poskušam, kaj s tem dosežem?

Kdo je edina oseba, ki jo lahko nadzorujem?

 

1. Kaj hočem, želim?

Sem pripravljen še delati na odnosu? Kateri so razlogi za vztrajanje v odnosu?Kaj je dobrega v tem odnosu?

Koliko časa sem še pripravljen vlagati v odnos, če se nič meni pomembnega ne bo spremenilo?

Želim dolgoročno dober odnos s to osebo?

 

2. Kaj delam?

Zakaj si izbiram takšno vedenje do njega? Čemu to koristi oziroma škodi?

Kaj sem do sedaj naredil za dosego mojih ciljev, želja, pričakovanj?

Kaj imajo od mene drugi v tem trenutku, takšen kot sem? Ali drugi ve, kaj hočem; kaj dosežem, če to neprestano ponavljam?

Ali to kar delam, pomaga, da sem bližje ljudem, ki jih potrebujem? So moja vedenja in ravnanja izboljšala ali poslabšala odnos?

Sem dosegel cilj, zaradi katerega sem ta vedenja in ravnanja uporabljal?

a) Če sem, kaj se je zgodilo z najinim/našim odnosom in kako dolgo bo drugi zaradi najinega odnosa še pripravljen tako ravnati? Bi se lahko sam vedel tudi drugače?

Bi lahko sprejel, da drugi morda želenega ne bo več delal ali da se vedel drugače, kot jaz želim?

b) Če z vedenji in ravnanji namena nisem dosegel in ga verjetno tudi ne bom, zakaj ne bi s tem prenehal in odnosa prekinil ali začel izgrajevati odnos z vedenji, ki odnos izboljšujejo in/ali s pogajanji ter iskanjem rešitev? Lahko sprejmem pomanjkljivosti drugega? So pomanjkljivosti lahko v določenih okoliščinah tudi prednosti? Katerih okoliščinah?

Katera vedenja, ravnanja sem uporabljal v preteklosti, ko sva se še dobro razumela? Kaj ima več izgledov, da se situacija izboljša: če se dobro razumem z njim ali če se odtujujeva?

Ali me bo to, kar nameravam storiti, z ljudmi zbližalo ali razdvojilo? Je možno, da do te osebe uporabljam za odnos koristna vedenja kot do prijatelja (vsaj nekaj dni)?

 

3. Načrt

Kaj je drugemu pomembno, kako ga lahko razveselim? Ali vem, da drugemu pogosto niso pomembne enake stvari kot meni? Kaj je pomembno njemu?

Kaj načrtujem za danes?Kaj načrtujem za ta teden? Kaj lahko storim sam, ne glede na to, kaj bo storil drugi?

Si lahko izberem kakšno zadovoljujoče početje, aktivnost, ki nima nobene zveze s konfliktom, medtem ko čakam na njegovo razrešitev?

Mi kaj preprečuje, da bi preživel še nekaj lepih trenutkov s to osebo, potem pa odnos prekinil? Kakšni trenutki dajo boljše izglede za prihodnost najinega odnosa, lepi ali neprijetni?

Dober sedanji odnos lahko vodi v dober prihodnji odnos, slab odnos pa v slab prihodnji odnos ali nikakršen odnos.

3. 101 NAČIN, KAKO IZBOLJŠATI ODNOS (V ANGLEŠČINI)

101 Ways to Build Happy, Lasting Relationships


Dating and marriage is different than it was twenty years ago. In today’s society, more
than 50% of all marriages fail for one reason or another. Just thinking about that makes
“commitment” seem scary. It seems that when relationships are faced with challenges,
people quit trying. Dating is more like a marathon, trying to date as many people as
possible, instead of taking time to get to know someone at a deeper level. For married
couples, divorce is not biased. Whether married for thirty years or eight months, the
outcome can be the same.
The fact is that relationships, whether dating or married, are hard. Things do not always
go perfectly, fighting does occur, and it takes a 100% commitment from both parties to
make it a success. Often when people break off a relationship, they feel as though
something is missing. The “spark” has gone, leaving one or both people feeling
inadequate and unfulfilled.
However, even though the odds are not very good, healthy, and long-lasting
relationships are definitely possible and proven by many people. Look at Paul Newman
and Joanne Woodard, Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman, or Nancy and Ronald Regan.
What secrets do they possess? The answer is that they all work hard at their
relationship. They made a decision of choosing to love their mate rather than relying on
the “warm and fuzzy” feelings, which everyone knows will fade. By making love a
choice you are making a decision that even in the bad times, you stick it out.
Think of it like choosing a car. You pick out the make, model, year, color, and features
that you believe are best for you. After driving your car for a couple of months, you
realize that perhaps you should have purchased a larger car, or that maybe the leather
seats would have been better, or on hot sunny days, the sunroof would have been nice.
However, it is now too late so you choose to keep your car and make it work. It is the
same for marriage. Not everything will be perfect and there will be major obstacles to
overcome but you have made your decision and now you choose to make it work.
There are hundreds of things you can do to better your relationship. To help get you
headed in the right direction, we have chosen 101 ways to build, strengthen, and
enhance your relationship.
Remember, little steps taken every day will add up to big successes.
1. Start Over
When couples first get together, everything is new and exciting. They overlook the
little annoying things the other person does. However, after time, the nagging
starts, instead of hearing, “You look beautiful,” they might hear “Why are you
wearing that shirt?” If this sounds like your relationship, first, the two of you need

to sit down and be honest that things have changed. Identify the things each other
did in the beginning of the relationship that created the attraction in the first place.
Then together, make a commitment to start over. The truth is, both of you will
have to work on this. It will not automatically be easy but it is possible. Start by
forgiving each other, forgetting the past, and then start over with the flirtation.
Focus only on the special things your mate does and relearn to put the unimportant
things aside. It will take some time so be patient.
2. Schedule Time
Spending quality time together is crucial. This time can be with friends, dining out,
attending a sporting event, or cuddling together while watching a favorite movie.
The activity is not what is important but the fact that you are together, doing
something that you both enjoy. People have extremely busy schedules and
between work, family, the home, errands, and everything else going on, finding
time for your mate can be difficult. Just as you would schedule a meeting on your
calendar, show some courtesy in the relationship by scheduling time with each
other. Once the plan is in place, no backing out unless you have some life and
death emergency.
3. The Power of Touch
When a child is ill, doctors will tell you that it is proven that a simple, loving touch of
a parent can quickly pull the child through a crisis. It is the same for relationships.
Playing with your mate’s hair, rubbing their hand, a soft kiss on the neck, a soft pat
on the leg or giving a gentle back rub will make a huge difference in how your mate
responds to you. When was the last time you walked up to your mate for no
reason and without saying a word, affectionately placed a kiss on their neck? This
is not in a sexual way, but an affectionate way. There is a difference. The next
time the two of you are sitting in the car, at the grocery story, or standing in line at
the theater, quietly reach over and take their hand. Do not be surprised if you get
a strange look of curiosity the first time!
4. Surprise
If you and your mate have scheduled some time for a Friday night dinner, put
together a surprise instead. For example, if your mate loves professional wrestling,
buy some tickets near the front or if they like concerts, purchase the tickets ahead
of time, getting the best seats possible. When Friday night comes around, insist
on driving and head toward the location where the event is taking place. When
asked where you are going, simply answer, “I have a surprise for you. I know you
love professional wrestling so I purchased two great seats for tonight’s
performance,” or “I know we had planned on going to dinner, but I wanted to
surprise you with something special. I purchased tickets to see one of your
favorite groups in concert.” The idea of you getting the tickets for something THEY
like and then keeping it as a special surprise will touch the heart!

5. Needed Space
As important as it is to spend quality time together, it is equally important to give
each other time to do something they like. If your mate loves to fish but you have
no desire to bait a hook with little, slimy worms, or if you like to go to the casino but
your mate would rather do something different, encourage each other to take time
apart. Try establishing a set time for this very purpose, if possible. For example,
perhaps you could determine that every other Friday night is “singles” night. This
is not a time to date other people, but to enjoy preferred activities. Remember that
you have to place trust in your relationship. If you try this and then drill them, to
see what they did, whom they were with, and where they went, then the exercise
has failed.
6. No Debates
If you know that you and your mate have proven differences in opinion on certain
subjects, avoid those subjects. As an example, if you are a Republican and your
mate is a Democrat, politics should probably be avoided. As the two of you identify
new topics that could cause a debate session, stop the conversation before it even
gets started.
7. Filler Talk
If you are married, especially with children, break out of the habit of talking about
nothing. Many times, families will be sitting around the dinner table and the
conversation consists of, “Do you like your carrots?”, or “I wonder what is on TV
tonight?” Instead, change your strategy to include real questions, showing real
interest. Replace the normal, “Did you have a good day at work?” with “Tell me
what you did at work today.” Even if you do not understand everything being said,
listen with interest. It is not that you are so much interested in the work, but your
mate’s life.
8. Re-establish Old Traditions
If you and your mate had a tradition of some kind when you first got together, dust
it off and breathe life back into it. Perhaps you met after work on Friday at the local
pub for a drink, washed your cars together every Saturday morning, or attended
church together on Sunday. Whatever it was, re-establish the tradition.
9. Predictability
If asking couples the factors involved in the demise of their relationship, one of the
common responses is that everything in the relationship is so predictable. When
rebuilding a relationship, do not be afraid of letting go of boredom. If you normally
hate the fact that Saturday afternoons consist of your mate sitting for hours

watching football, fix some finger sandwiches and something cool to drink and go
join them on the couch, or if your mate spends hours in the garden trying to make
things look perfect, surprise them with a new flowering plant, and then help to plant
it. When taking a walk with your mate, stop and give them a soft kiss, say, “I love
you,” and then keep walking. Take some chances and do the unexpected.
10. Lighten Up
Often when couples have gone through or are going through some bumpy spots in
their relationship, things tend to get serious. It could be that there is a tremendous
amount of tension or perhaps they are not sure what to say. Regardless of the
reason, learn to lighten up. Do not take every comment, glance, or movement as a
serious problem. If your mate makes a mistake, which you both will, let it go, or if
appropriate, laugh about it. If you make a mistake, do not be afraid to poke fun at
yourself. This will automatically start the process of tension breaking.
11. Communicate
When couples are having problems in a relationship, communication is the first
thing to stop. It is often easier to just be quiet than to get mad. When rebuilding
relationships, just as communication was the first to stop, it now needs to be the
first to start. This will require that both individuals let down their guard and pretty
much throw caution to the wind. Healing in the relationship cannot start until you
talk. Make an agreement that you will talk about anything and everything and that
you will listen, really listen. That does not mean that you will agree with everything,
which is perfectly fine. However, if you do not agree, do not yell, rather, the two of
you need to calmly discuss the issue and together, work out a solution. This is
hard work but within a very short time, you will both feel much better, individually
and as a couple.
12. A Night of Passion
Intimacy and passion in relationships is not only important but also healthy.
Couples need to enjoy being together in an intimate way. When relationships are
troubled, the last thing either person wants is to be sexual or passionate with each
other. However, this is a part of the healing and rebuilding of the relationship and
although it might be awkward in the beginning, it is crucial. Make your intimate
time together special. Surprise your mate with a warm bubble bath, lighted
candles, soft music, and a bottle of wine, or reserve a nice romantic evening at a
local hotel to include a wonderful candlelit dinner, fine wine, and a beautiful room.
13. Dinner Party
Start a new tradition of hosting a dinner party every other month or two and inviting
several of you and your mate’s friends. Set up board games that everyone will
enjoy, have some light and lively music playing, and plan to have a blast.

Spending time with friends in this kind of setting is a great way to reduce stress.
When stress is low, couples get along better. This is a wonderful way to interact
with each other’s friends as a couple.
14. Happy Birthday
As people grow older, in general, birthdays become less celebrated. Gifts are
quickly given, meals eaten, and it is over. For your mate’s next birthday, take
some time to plan something very special. Make this a true celebration of their life
as a way of showing your love and appreciation. Every person, even adults, like
attention and love to be appreciated. Whether a surprise party or not, your mate
will be impressed that you went to all the effort just for them.
15. Secret Getaway
Plan a nice weekend getaway to some place off the beaten track where you can
enjoy some privacy. A quaint cottage or charming bed and breakfast would be
ideal choices. Scout out the area ahead of time and choose a few things that the
two of you would like to do in the area but just be sure to leave plenty of time for
you to enjoy some alone time. Order a nice bottle of wine or some hot cappuccino
and relax in front of the fire! Make this a romantic weekend where you can
rekindle your love.
16. Special Greeting
If your mate has to work late and you know he had a bad day, surprise him with a
late-night gourmet meal. When you hear him arrive home, greet him in new, sexy
lingerie, a warm kiss, and wonderful hot meal. After he picks himself up off the
floor, he will fall in love with you all over again for this wonderful greeting. If
reversed and the woman is coming home, after giving her a lingering kiss, have
her join you in the dining room where the table is set with soft glowing candles and
a wonderful meal. Have an envelope lying by her plate that when opened, she will
read, “This certificate is good for one thirty-minute massage after dinner.” This is
how you keep romance alive!
17. Just Because
Give your mate gifts “just because.” These do not have to be expensive
whatsoever. For example, one woman had a miniature dish collection in her
kitchen. Her husband came home and told her that he had a gift for her. Holding
out her hand, he gently placed in her hand a miniature porcelain cup with her name
neatly written in blue ink. She knew that this cup probably cost no more than $2.00
but the thought that he would take the time to find something she enjoyed, was
worth $1 million. The small gifts packed with thought are far more cherished.

18. Say it with Words
Surprise your mate with little notes found in unexpected places. If your mate
travels for work, place a loving note somewhere in their suitcase. Perhaps they
have a long commute to work. If so, slip a note saying, “I love you,” in their CD
case where you know they will find it. Another recommendation is sticking a note
on the bathroom mirror so this will be the first thing seen in the morning. Be
creative and have some fun with this.
19. Cuddle Time
When couples first start dating, cuddling is usually a part of their everyday
existence. However, as the relationship progresses or after children enter the
picture, the cuddling stops. Take some time just to cuddle. If your mate is sitting
on the couch watching a movie, or laying in bed reading, scoot close and tell them
that you just want to cuddle. This makes both people feel secure and loved.
20. Breakfast in Bed
When was the last time you or your mate were served breakfast in bed? Never?
On a Saturday or Sunday, when nothing special is planned, get up a little early and
fix their favorite breakfast. Include the morning newspaper as an added bonus.
Although they may be shocked, you can be guaranteed that this gesture of love will
be appreciated.
21. Make the Men Feel Good
For the man in your life, here are some recommendations for making him feel
special:
.. Flirt with him in public places
.. Just once, leave the toilet lid up
.. Lavish him with compliments
.. Tell him how sexy he is
.. Act jealous once in awhile, even if you are not
.. Remind him that he is a wonderful mate, husband, father, whichever applies
.. Tell him how handsome you find him
22. Make the Women Feel Good
Just like men, woman love feeling good about themselves. These
recommendations might help:
.. Tell her how beautiful she is
.. Compliment her on her many skills (be specific)
.. Just once, leave the toilet seat down

.. Tell her how much she means to you
.. Let her know that she is your best friend
.. Show affectionate to her in front of family and friends
.. Let her know that you find her to be sexy
23. That Kiss
As couples become comfortable with each other, kisses can become lame. Get rid
of the pecks and get serious with the kisses. The next time the two of you greet
each other, enjoy your kiss and do not be so quick to stop. While there are
appropriate times for serious kissing, they should be loving, sincere, and
passionate, regardless of how long they last. You will find that as you pay
attention to your kissing and let your mate know that you enjoy kissing them, you
will both feel better about your relationship.
24. Be Kind to One Another
Unbelievably, kindness is often over simplified. Even good relationships can lack
acts of kindness. This refers to “Do unto others…” Simple acts of kindness can
have huge impacts on a relationship. If your husband or boyfriend is out working
on the car on a hot summer day, make a thermos of ice-cold tea and take it to him,
giving him a gentle kiss. If your wife or girlfriend has been working at the computer
all day, walk up behind her and massage her shoulders and neck. You get the
idea. Kindness means looking at the other person’s situation and seeing what you
can do or add to that situation to make it better or easier. This is a way to validate
your respect for each other. Kindness will go a long way in a relationship.
25. Special Hobby
Find some type of hobby that you both enjoy and then do it together. It might be
that you both love refurnishing furniture. Turn this into an adventure of going to
estate sales together to find nice pieces of furniture and them refurbishing them as
a team. Another option would be if you have both wanted to learn how to ballroom
or salsa dance. Take lessons together so you can then go out on the town and
dance the night away. This is a great way to make your relationship even stronger
while adding in something fun that you both enjoy.
26. Listen – Really Listen
Get into a habit of listening to what your mate is saying. Not the kind of listening
that you do when you go out or sit at the dinner table, but a different kind of
listening. Have you ever overheard your mate make a comment to a friend or
family member about something they really want or want to do? Maybe you heard
your boyfriend or husband tell a friend that they would love a certain tool. For no
reason whatsoever, make a special effort to get that for him. You might have
heard your girlfriend or wife mention a spa that they would love to try. Again,

without any reason, surprise her. This shows that your mate is really paying
attention to things important to you.
27. Be a Kid
Do not be a prude. There is absolutely no reason why couples at any age cannot
get into tickling matches or wrestle on the floor. Do not allow your relationship to
grow old and stale. Understand and accept that it is perfectly fine to be silly from
time to time. If you have nothing special planned on a Friday night, rent a few
games, order in Chinese, plug in the Play Station, and play games.
28. All Decked Out
Although most people do not get dressed formally to go out, as a special treat, find
an upscale restaurant, the opera, or even a ball, where the man can wear a tuxedo
and the woman an evening gown. If possible, rent a limousine and have a bottle of
champagne chilling before you get in. You will both feel good about yourselves
and spending this magical evening together. This is something unique that brings
another unexpected twist into the relationship, which keeps things interesting and
alive. The two of you will have a romantic night that you will never forget.
29. Showing Love
Although hearing the words, “I love you” is special and important, sometimes you
wish you could tell your mate as well as hear from your mate those words, but in
special and unique ways. Here are some ideas of how this can be accomplished:
.. Rent his favorite movie, even if it is something you do not like, and plan an
evening alone where you can be with him as he enjoys his special treat.
.. When he gets out of the shower, hand him a warm, cozy towel just heated in
the dryer.
.. When you make him pancakes, first pour the words, “I Love You” on the griddle
and cook for a minute to brown. Then, pour more batter over the words to
create a round pancake. The result will be a pancake displaying those three
special words when you flip it over.
.. While he is out of town, wash his car and surprise him by picking him up in a
clean, shiny car at the airport.
.. Take him out to lunch.
.. Have his favorite breakfast on the table along with the morning newspaper.
.. Instead of bugging him to go to the grocery store with you, let him stay home.
.. Display your favorite picture of the two of you on the refrigerator.
.. Buy him a subscription to his favorite magazine.

30. Split the Responsibility
Whether dating or married, weekends are always full of errands and chores. If you
find that on the weekend things are lopsided, help your mate out. For example, if
there are kids involved and one has a soccer game while the other has a baseball
game, at the same time, offer to take one of the kids and your mate take the other.
Make this a special time by packing a special lunch or snacks. Perhaps one of you
has company coming and the house needs to be cleaned, laundry done, and
groceries purchased. Set aside something you need done and offer to pitch in to
help. Simply say you want to help and ask which of the jobs you can take over.
This gesture will show your mate that you really care by sacrificing your time.
31. Love Means Having to Say You Are Sorry
If you make a mistake by doing or saying something that is hurtful or damaging to
the relationship, say that you are sorry. Many people struggle with these words,
even when they know that what they did was wrong. It actually takes a strong
person to apologize. Do not wait until you think you have the courage but say it
immediately, and with sincerity. Too often when couples argue, there is a long
period of silence, which actually makes the anger and tension worse. You need to
let your mate know immediately that you made a mistake and ask for forgiveness.
32. Be Yourself
Do not be phony in your relationship, trying to be someone or something different
as a way to please your mate. For a relationship to work, both people need to be
themselves and react to things naturally. Just imagine if you are really kind of on
the silly side, enjoying life to the fullest. Then you meet a wonderful person who is
much more conservative than you are. Because you are attracted to them, you try
to squelch your normal vibrant personality. You are miserable and eventually, the
person is going to be exposed to the “real” you. You have to base any relationship
on honesty or it will eventually fall apart.
33. Maintain Your Health
You might think – what does good health have to do with a good relationship? In
reality, it has a lot to do with it. Having a good relationship means having the
energy to enjoy getting out and doing things together. To do that, it is important to
eat right. When people are tired, they become short-tempered and frustrated. For
this reason, it is important to get the right amount of sleep. Good exercise keeps
your body in shape for being adventurous together. Taking care of your body and
mind will flow over into your relationship and make you a calmer, stronger, and
better-balanced person.

34. Compliment – A Lot
Be generous with compliments. It is very common for people to notice something
nice about another person and think about it internally, but never voice it. When in
a relationship, compliments are like glue. They hold the couple’s attention and
respect. Make sure your compliments are genuine and based on something you
see or hear your mate do. If you have a clogged garbage disposal and your
boyfriend or husband is able to unclog it, compliment them on being handy. If your
girlfriend or wife takes her mother to the doctor, compliment her on her generosity.
The fact is that criticism is destructive and can very quickly tear a relationship apart.
Just like the cliché, “If you do not have something nice to say, then do not say
anything at all.” This is very true – take notice of the good things your mate does
and make it known to them that you see and appreciate those things.
35. Realistic Expectations
No matter how wonderful and flawless your mate seems, no one is perfect. Be
careful about putting someone on a pedestal, especially in the early stages of your
relationship. Make sure that the expectations you have for your mate and yourself
are realistic. There are going to be differences in opinion, and probably some
disagreements. Also, do not assume that your mate knows how you feel or what
you think about something. When discussing something important to you, ensure
that you both understand the same thing. The reality is that neither one of you is
going to know exactly what the other one needs. As long as you do not expect
them to read your mind and accept that this is a part of getting to know one
another and communicating, you will be fine.
36. Leave the Baggage Behind
Every person on the face of the Earth has some kind of history, or “baggage”,
although at varying levels. Do not walk into a relationship with your arms loaded
with that baggage. The past is the past. Even though there are things from the
past that are hurtful, and even damaging, learn from those things and come out a
better and stronger person. This allows you to step into a new relationship with
better knowledge of what not to do. Leave the baggage from the past alone, focus
on today, and look forward to tomorrow.
37. Do Not Repeat, Do Not Repeat, Do Not Repeat
Learn from your mistakes. When something goes wrong and the two of you work
through it, do not repeat the same mistake. Rather than dive right back into
whatever it was you did or said, think before you act. At first, this will take some
discipline but as you see positive results in the relationship, be encouraged that it
is working.

38. Go on a Date
Especially for married couples, but even for some “dating” couples, start dating.
Often people become very comfortable in their relationship and sitting around on
the weekends, watching movies is about as exciting as it gets. Ask your mate out.
For example, actually call them and ask, “If you do not have any plans for Saturday
night, would you like to go to a concert with me?” It is crucial to relationships that
they keep the fire alive by enjoying the act of dating. There are many people in
long-term, successful marriages that will tell you they go out on dates every week,
which has been a huge bonus for their relationship.
39. Memory Box
Start a memory box to store old movie tickets, brochures from cities visited,
concert ticket stubs, old ski lift passes, cards attached to flowers received, old love
notes or letters, birthday cards or anniversary cards from your mate, anything that
the two of you did together. Every once in awhile, pull the box out and look at the
items with your mate. Reminisce about each memento, and keep all the special
times in your life close to your heart!
40. Keep the Kids Out of It
Whether married or dating, if there are kids involved, it is crucial that they are not
used as pawns in any situation. For example, if your mate wants to get intimate
and you are not in the mood, do not say, “I need to help the kids with their
homework,” or if something that needed to be done was not taken care of because
you forgot, do not blame it on the kids by saying, “I was taking care of the kids and
did not have time.” In the first scenario, be honest with your mate and tell them
that you are very tired and while intimacy is important, you would prefer to make
sure the kids are in bed on time so the two of you can have some quality time
together. This opens an honest line of communication and does not place ill
feelings on the kids, especially since it is not their problem to begin with.
41. Listen to How You Talk
When working on your relationship, more than likely you and your mate have
settled into a pattern of speaking to each other. It might be with short, blunt
answers, heavy sighs as though bothered, or with negative remarks. Pay attention
to not only your words spoken, but also the tone in which they are spoken. Be
positive, cheery, and respond in a way that will confirm to your mate that you are
listening and truly interested – that you have time to listen and communicate. In
addition, add terms of endearment into your conversation. Instead of “Good
morning,” try, “Hi honey, good morning!”

42. Making Love
Intimacy is a huge part of a successful relationship. Choose a book from the
bookstore and try to bring a little excitement into your relationship. Do not be
afraid to experiment and learn new and exciting ways to please each other.
Keeping intimacy alive is healthy and not a bad thing whatsoever!
43. Turn the Computer Off
Often the computer becomes a replacement for a lack of something in the
relationship. It might be just surfing, playing games, or getting involved with
websites that promote pornography. If you notice that your mate is spending more
and more time on the computer, take this as a sign that even if not doing anything
wrong, they are choosing to spend the time with the computer instead of you. In
other words, use this as a sign that something is missing in your relationship. Start
by talking and searching to confirm what it is bothering your mate and then work on
making it better!
44. Follow Tradition
Keep some tradition in your marriage, which relates to the vows you took and the
fact that marriage is sacred. Treat each anniversary as a celebration of your love
and the time spent together. Follow the traditional anniversary gifts and see how
creative you can be. The first year anniversary gift is paper. One husband bought
his wife a beautiful Chinese drawing on rice paper, signed by the artist, and had it
framed for her. Make this fun, exciting, and keep traditions alive.
45. Control Your Anger
Every relationship has difficulties, and sometimes, there can be some intense
arguments. For the sake of your relationship and the love you have for your mate,
keep your anger in check. First, when people are angry, hurtful words fly, usually
not even meant. However, after spoken, it is too late to take them back – the
damage is done. Another problem with anger is that the word “divorce” can easily
be thrown around. You may not mean it, but you know it hurts, thus making you
the winner of the argument. NEVER talk about divorce in your relationship, even if
just teasing. If you need to go to another room to cool off, and then do that, but
whatever you do, do not allow your anger to take control of your relationship.
46. Financial Woes
One of the main reasons other than fidelity that marriages fall apart is due to
finances. When couples are struggling with money problems, tempers flare,
frustration builds, drinking may start, and it is an all-around unhealthy situation.
The minute there are any signs of financial difficulties, the two of you need to
immediately sit down and figure out a plan on how to deal with the problem. If

needed, go to see a financial consultant or a credit counseling service to help you
get back on track. Do not allow your finances to get out of line or your relationship
will certainly suffer.
47. I Forgive You
If something has happened in your relationship causing the trust to waiver, you will
have many things to work through. When your mate has done something that
requires you to forgive, you have to forgive, REALLY forgive. Once you have
worked through the issue either together or with professional counseling, and you
tell them that you forgive them, you can never hold that over them again. As an
example, if your mate has had an affair and the two of you choose to work it out
rather than throw the relationship away, once the problems are resolved and the
forgiveness is said, it is done! This means that you cannot stalk your mate to
ensure they are where they said they would be, call or page them throughout the
day, constantly ask for reaffirmation of your relationship, it means that you forgive
and put the past behind you and then move on in a new, strong, and healthy
relationship. It will not be easy, but you can do it with the right help, attitude, and
commitment.
48. Fighting No-No
While having disagreements is normal and sometimes when controlled, healthy for
relationships, the place and degree of discussion are important. Keep your
disagreements private. Being at a party or anywhere around family or friends and
breaking into an argument is a great way to break down a relationship. Not only
does it cause embarrassment for your mate, but it also puts a negative light on
both of you from the people witnessing the fight. If you are in public and think you
need to argue, at least find a quiet corner or separate room where you can discuss
whatever it is bothering you.
49. Strong Family Ties
When in a relationship, not only are you involved with the love of your life, but also
the family of your mate. It is important to build a strong, healthy relationship with
the families as well. Even if you do not see them often, having a good connection
with your mate’s family will make life for everyone much better all the way around.
50. Mentoring
If you know of another couple from work or your church that has been married for
many years and continued to have a strong relationship, ask them if they would
mentor you. Being around positive influences and watching someone who leads
by example is a great way to learn how to have a good relationship for yourself.

51. 12-Month Calendar
As a special gift, have a 12-month calendar created with pictures of special times
spent between the two of you. Arrange the pictures to coordinate with the months
and then as a Christmas or birthday gift, or just as a special surprise, present it to
your loved one.
52. Something Handmade
You do not have to be a world-renowned artist to make something homemade and
special for the love of your life. Even making a special, personalized greeting card
would be appreciated and show your mate that you care enough to take the time
needed to make something by hand.
53. Favorite Meal
If your mate has a meal, that is by far the favorite above everything else, go all out
and prepare everything to order. Before they arrive home, put on something nice
and a little sexy, light some candles, and have a wonderful surprise waiting.
54. Trip to the Pound
If you and your mate love animals, take a trip to the local animal shelter and pick
out a dog or cat that needs a good home. Adopting an animal that needs a home
can be a wonderful way to have something that you both can care for and love
together. This will open up for long walks, taking your new dog on a walk, or hours
of playing with a sweet and funny cat.
55. Day at the Movies
Have a movie marathon some rainy or cold Saturday. Put all your errands and
chores on hold and head to your nearest theater. Hit three or four movies and mix
it up. Buy the theater popcorn and drinks but sneak your own candy in. This is a
great way to spend some fun time together, holding hands or cuddling, while
sharing some laughs and maybe tears watching a variety of flicks.
56. A Walk in the Park
Spending quality time together where you can talk and just enjoy each other’s
company is critical to a good relationship. Plan a nice walk in the park to include a
comfortable blanket to sit on the grass with while having a good old-fashioned
picnic. Take this time talk, watch other people with their kids, and then just walk
around, hand-in-hand.

57. Name a Star
As a special gift, ask your mate to join you outside at night when the sky is black
and the stars shining brightly. Point up to the universe and state, “See that star
over there? That is your star. I bought it for you.” Then present them with the
certificate showing that they do in fact have a star named after them. This
wonderful gift will last a lifetime!
58. Coupon Book
Create a coupon book filled with any number you like of 20-minute massages.
One day when least expected, when your mate comes dragging in the door tired
after a long, hard day at work, present this along with a gentle kiss. Although you
are the one offering the massages, if you remain faithful to your coupons and
never grumble, your love life will more than likely be enhanced and before long,
your mate will be the one giving you massages.
59. Dinner by the Fire
Order in some of your favorite food, open a bottle of fine wine, light some candles,
and lay out a cozy blanket in front of a roaring fire. Enjoy feeding each other food,
sneaking little kisses in between. This wonderful romantic moment will help build
your relationship even stronger. This kind of gesture shows your mate that you
really want something special from your relationship and that spending quality time
together is a priority.
60. Scavenger Hunt
If things have been a little stressed in your relationship, do something extra special.
Start by creating a trail of rose petals from the door to the kitchen where your mate
will find a note to go to the bedroom. In the bedroom, have another note next to an
overnight bag telling them to meet you at a specific hotel restaurant where you
know the ambience is cozy and romantic. The note should direct them to ask for
you at the restaurant where you will be waiting to enjoy a fine dinner together.
After dinner and cocktails, gently lead your mate by the hand to a beautiful room
that you have reserved for the night. There on the bed is a robe and a red rose.
This will do more for your relationship than you can imagine.
61. Photo Album
As a wonderful keepsake, create a photo album for your mate. Include the parents
or siblings to come up with some special childhood and teenage pictures. Include
family, friends, special occasions, and times of the two of you together. Whenever
the two of you feel as though you are drifting apart or taking one another for
granted, pull out the photo album as a reminder of the incredible person in your life.

62. The Art of Gift Giving
Everyone loves to be given a gift, especially as a surprise or “just because.” Just
remember while giving gifts is a beautiful thing to do for the person you love, there
are five key essentials for making your mate know that you are giving just because
you love them. First, put some thought into the gift. Do not just pick up something
at the last minute so you are not empty handed. Second, make the effort. Even if
you have a busy schedule, be sure to schedule time to shop. Third, give with the
right attitude. You give because you appreciate and love, not because you want
something back. Fourth, plan what you are going to give. Find something that is
important for your mate and not necessarily to you. Finally, add the element of
surprise into the gift giving. Using this equation is sure to impress your mate and
leave a lasting impression.
63. Family History
Perform some extensive research on your mate’s family history, which will involve
some help from the family, and create a website especially for your mate’s family
where they can share information, pictures, family recipes, and more! This will
take some time and planning but very little money. Myfamily.com is a great site
that is extremely reasonable. This will not only touch your mate’s heart, but the
hearts of the entire family.
64. A Day at the Spa
For couples where the mother or father stays home and takes care of the children
all day long, show your appreciation for the hard work that takes. Hire a babysitter
for about four hours and give your mate a gift certificate to a local spa where they
can enjoy a relaxing massage, mineral springs, sauna, mud wrap, or whatever
special treatments are available.
65. Charity
Find a charity that you would both like to contribute to and give something special
in both names. For example, if there is a synergy house near where you live for
unwed mothers, go in together and purchase a crib or baby clothes. Another
option would be if a local park needs donations, find out what kind of trees they
need and purchase a tree together. Make this something special where you go
shop together and then present together. These types of kind acts are great for
bringing couples closer together and help both people love and appreciate each
other even more for their kindness.
66. Thunderstorms
While some people find thunderstorms to be scary, they can also be viewed as
being romantic. If you have having a thunderstorm in your area, without putting

yourself in harm’s way, sit out on your porch if the storm is still off in the distance,
or cuddled on the couch near a large window and just watch the lightening together.
67. Take Pride in Yourself
Every relationship goes through down time. Just because the flame has become a
mild flicker, that does not mean you have lost the love for each other, it just means
you need to add a little fuel to the fire. When couples have been together for a
long time, the makeup comes off, the nice clothes turn into oversized sweats and
tee shirts, and instead of cuddling on the sofa or floor, one sits on the couch and
the other in the recliner. Step back in time and start getting dressed up more on
the weekends, invite your mate to sit with you on the couch, dance together in your
living room to some music, or take a walk, hand in hand. It is important not to let
yourself go, even when your relationship reaches a “comfortable” state. By taking
pride in yourself means that you take pride in your relationship.
68. No Jealousy Allowed
To have a healthy relationship, caring and concern are fine but when those
emotions change into jealousy, this could be the beginning of trouble. Trust is
probably the number one element needed in order to have a strong relationship.
Without trust, things will quickly deteriorate. If one of you masters something
special, receives a promotion at work, or achieves some great feat, there could be
a small spark of jealousy on the other person’s side. You need to talk about this
and ensure that any feelings of inadequacies are permanently put to rest. Every
person needs assurance at some time or another and as long as you can
communicate, things will be fine. However, if your mate becomes withdrawn or
irritated, these could be signs that more is going on. Once jealousy enters a
relationship, problems are soon to follow.
69. Keep in Touch
If you are in a relationship, where your mate serves in the armed forces and is
overseas or in another state on duty, away in a foreign country for school, or
separated from you for one reason or another, it is important that you keep in touch
with each other often. There will be stress from the separation but by keeping in
touch and informing each other of the things each person is dealing with, how they
feel, etc., you will not have any break in your communication. The goal is that
when you get back together, you can easily pick up where you left off. This is a
very important time to provide each other with confirmation of your love and
validation of your relationship. While this will require some extra effort on both
parts, keep in mind that the separation is not forever.

70. Host a Halloween Party
Instead of just passing out candy for Halloween, organize a masquerade party
together where everyone is required to come dressed up. Include in your party
food, drinks, door prizes, and games. Have a few friends provide help you plan
this and then go all out. Choose costumes the two of you can wear to enhance
each other. A few suggestions would be to Adam and Eve (wearing skin-toned
clothing – no nudity), Batman and Batgirl, Cleopatra and Marc Anthony, Romeo
and Juliet, Robin Hood and Maid Marian, or Sonny and Cher. You will have a blast
with the planning and searching out your costumes. This type of party is great for
good laughs and fond memories of each other, which are important for a good
relationship.
71. Special Music
Select numerous songs that your mate would enjoy and have them either recorded
on a cassette or burned on a CD that can be enjoyed while driving to and from
work. To add a little spice, record a few secret messages every few songs just
reminding them how much you love and appreciate them.
72. New Adventures
Arrange for the two of you to try something new together. If you are both the
athletic type, enter yourselves into some type of physical competition. If the two of
you like the fine arts, audition for roles in a local community theater. Perhaps you
like to travel. If so, arrange for a short trip to some place exotic that you have
never been before.
73. Adopt a Family
When the Christmas holiday starts getting closer, locate a family together from
your church or local charity services that needs to be adopted for Christmas.
Together, shop for the gifts, and have the family over for the most scrumptious
holiday dinner. You will both appreciate what you have even more as well as your
own special relationship.
74. Getting Married
If your relationship has moved to a set wedding date and the countdown has
started, do something unique and fun. Visit a candy store and have 30-miniature
candy hearts made, each with a special message of love. Each day, present your
mate with the appropriate candy heart. As you get down to the final days before
the wedding, they might read something like, “Only two more days”, “Tomorrow:
The Big Day”, “I love you, your wife (or husband).”

75. Motivate Each Other
Find a mutual incentive that will motivate both of you to being the best you can be.
Find something that you can both be excited about and then attach some type of
reward to the motivation. If one of you has had a dream of writing a screenplay,
make that your goal and take that on together. The motivation is that when
finished, the two of you will take a beautiful, romantic weekend vacation to some
exotic place. The goal could be anything that is important to one person or both
and that can be worked toward completion together. Another example would be if
your mate has always dreamed of buying an old model car and restoring it do it
together and then take a special trip to the Indy 500 as your reward. Yet another
example might be to restore a home. Make this a joint project and then as a
reward, add a Jacuzzi into your plans. Use your imagination and enjoy the venture
together.
76. Embrace Change
There is no relationship on the face of the planet that goes for years and years
without change. People change as they mature and view life differently, therefore
reacting differently. Rather than get upset with each other over change, embrace
change. You may not always like the changes that happen, but do not throw away
a perfectly good relationship just because the trail starts to wind. Be patient and
encourage new directions while being honest about concerns that might arise.
77. Reap What You Sow
This is an old saying that goes back a very long way but it still holds true today. If
you sow love, forgiveness, faithfulness, encouragement, honesty, and acceptance,
then that is what you will reap. It is definitely true that what you put into a
relationship is what you get back.
78. Board Games
Pick a night, perhaps on a cold winter night, and just enjoy playing board games.
This can be with just the two of you, or with several close friends. Bring out the
snacks, beverages, and just have some fun. Laughter and fun are important
factors in any relationship, for any age. Laugh and enjoy having a good time with
good honest fun! You will truly be amazed at what this can do for your relationship.
79. No Interference
Do not allow other people to interfere with your relationship. If family members try
to get in the middle of fights or debates, that is definite trouble. You might have
friends with well-meant intentions trying to help you and your mate solve problems.
Although getting another person’s perspective is not a bad thing, make sure it is

when you ask for it. It is very important to keep integrity in your relationship and
not allow people to interfere.
80. Adore your Mate
Beyond telling your mate that you love them, that they are special, and having
passion in your relationship, you should adore your mate and what they bring into
the relationship. What that means is to appreciate and love them for the person
they are, faults and all. This is true devotion to your mate and demonstration that
you do not take them for granted.
81. Follow Your Instincts
When things are going in a wrong direction, often people will simply keep going in
the same direction while hoping that things work themselves out. The result is
usually negative. Instead, listen to your gut feelings, your inner instincts. If you
believe that something is bothering your mate or not right in your relationship, keep
it between you and your mate and work things out as a couple.
82. Be Creative
The words, “I love you,” are always welcomed but why not add some creativity to
the way you tell your mate you love them. Rent a billboard in a location where you
know your mate drives every day that clearly says, “I love you,” request that your
mate’s radio station play a special song and message on his or her way to work, or
if celebrating a special anniversary, have a skywriter fly by a ball stadium, park, or
somewhere special where you are spending quality time together outdoors.
83. Make Eye Contact
You may not think this is important, but think back to the first time you saw your
now mate. More than likely, the first interaction was through eye contact. If you
are having dinner during the holidays with a large group of family and friends,
glance over to your mate and give them a seductive wink, or if your mate is giving
a speech and you are there to offer support, attentively look at them, making
directly eye contact and offer a warm reassuring smile. Eyes can say a lot!
84. Learn More about Your Mate
Either find a good questionnaire or create one that does not dig up the past, but
focuses on discovering other qualities about each other. One happily married
couple did this and the wife, who had been standing by her husband for more than
10 years, discovered that he used to be a competitive ice skater. She had no idea.
Guess what they did on Saturday?

85. Change Routines
Understand that every once in a while, it is important to throw an exciting curve into
your relationship. If you are in a routine for example of offering your mate a quick
peck on the lips before you part ways for the day, try adding a soft, gentle kiss on
the neck. You can be assured that throughout the day, that change in routine, is
what will be on your mate’s mind.
86. Dance
Finding a nice place where the two of you can enjoy a slow dance is a great way to
spend time together, holding each other without saying a word. Keep in mind that
to accomplish this, you can stay home and simply move some furniture out of the
way, light some candles, and put on your favorite soft music and enjoy some quiet,
romantic time together.
87. Sunrise/Sunset
Too often people miss the beautiful miracle of a sunrise or sunset. Schedule time
to get up early one morning with a thermos of hot coffee or cappuccino and find a
quiet place where the two of you can go just to watch the sun rise or set.
Appreciate what nature has to offer and share it with each other.
88. Explorations
Find something they you are both interested in exploring and do it together. For
example, if you live in a place where there are caves, make a day of driving around
and exploring caves. Be sure to take the right equipment and safety precautions
but this puts you both in a position of trusting each other and discovering
something new and exciting together.
89. To Tell or Not to Tell
Experts will disagree on how much of a person’s past should be shared in a
relationship and while some things probably should be shared, most people lean
more to not sharing every aspect of the past. First, it is the past. Think back to
how much people grow through the teen years to mid-twenties. Offering
unnecessary information from the past is a great way to create distrust, insecurity,
and more questions than answers. Be wise when sharing.
90. Respect Privacy
When two people come together in a relationship, each person has their own set of
history. There are yearbooks, maybe love letters from a first love, other objects
that may not seem important to one person but to the owner, they have a special
meaning. It is important to respect the privacy of your mate’s “stuff.” Do not dig

through boxes of things owned by your mate out of curiosity. Instead, allow them
to bring those things out if they feel it is necessary. By helping yourself, you are
disrespecting something sacred to your mate, which is not healthy for any
relationship.
91. No Place for Abuse
Regardless of how much you love your mate and believe in who they are, there is
NEVER an appropriate time for abuse, whether physical, emotional, or verbal. If
your mate shows aggression or any form of abuse toward you, seek counseling for
both of you immediately to try to work through things. If your mate refuses to go,
even if it is hard, leave. First is your safety. Second, it is possible for people to
learn ways in which to manage their aggressions. If this is the case, the life of the
relationship has a much better chance of surviving!
92. Open Your Eyes
Do not drive yourself crazy with this, but take notice of how your relationship is
going. Open your eyes and take stock of what is and is not working in your
relationship. Are there definite things missing or definite problem areas that need
to be worked on? Think about it. If you invest in the stock market, you pay
attention to what is going on so you can make changes if needed. Your
relationship is far more than the stock market but requires some of the same
strategies.
93. The Grass is NOT Greener!
Too many times, people get tired of working on the relationship they are currently
in and feel that by moving on to another person, they will find greener pastures.
This is just not the case. What happens is when you move to another person,
things are fresh, new, and exciting just as they were in the beginning of your
current relationship. Within time, that relationship will also start experiencing
differences and bumps in the road. Unless you are being abused or your mate is
doing something illegal or completely irresponsible, perhaps the efforts you would
put into starting a new relationship would be better spent fixing the one you have.
94. Start a Journal
Keep your personal feelings and discoveries about your mate in a journal. This will
help to remember what special things he or she likes or dislikes, track the
wonderful times spent together, and help you to feel better when you hit an
obstacle in your relationship. When things get a little tough, refer to your journal
and read through all the terrific emotions and time together and you will find plenty
of reasons to make things right again.

95. Be Flexible
Remember that relationships are give and take situations, not competition between
two people who love each other. There will be times when your mate is right and
times when you are right. When you feel the conversation getting a little on the
edgy side with each of you trying to hold ground, do not forget that there can be
many ways to accomplish the same task. The result is that each of you might
learn something new from the other person. Put your heads together and do what
makes the most sense instead of battling for ownership of the solution.
96. Cut out the Excuses
A major turn-off in many situations, not only relationships, is people who have an
excuse for everything. Forget that. Do not make excuses in fear of your mate not
liking, loving, or respecting you. Be yourself and if you messed up with something,
just admit to it. Say you had promised to make dinner, got home exhausted, and
just did not feel like making it, do not tell your mate, “I had to work overtime.” Be
honest and say, “You know, I got home after a busy day and I was too tired. What
sounds better, Chinese or Pizza?” This has taken you out of the situation of lying
and reconfirmed your honest nature to your mate.
97. Spirituality
Statistics show that couples that spend time in church together usually have strong
relationships. Bringing spirituality into your relationship is important. Allow the
love of God to be your ultimate guide and spend time having devotions together at
night. If you are just starting out dating, religious preference may not seem like a
big deal at first, but soon into the relationship, it can be a big trouble spot. Make
time for God in your life and consider dating someone who shares the same faith!
98. Learn to be Successful
Many couples are starting to go to counseling or relationship/marriage classes
much earlier in their relationship rather than waiting until after the marriage is in
trouble. This is a great option for learning how to have a healthy, lasting
relationship and develop open communication.
99. Work and Home Do Not Mingle
How many times have you heard this? It is true. While sharing experiences about
your day with your mate is perfectly normal, living your work at home is not. If you
have to bring work home, set a specific amount of time it will take you to complete,
let your mate know, and then when quitting time comes, quit! It is important to
separate the two parts of your life and keep you work at the job, and when at home,
pay attention to your mate and/or family.

100. Encourage Friendships
Men, unlike women, have a more difficult time in developing close friendships with
other men. This is a natural part of life and while they may have some buddies
from high school or college that they see on occasion, rarely do they set specific
time aside just for friends. Men and women both need an outlet outside of the
relationship where they can just “let their guard down” and have some fun with the
same gender. As your mate makes new friendships, encourage that growth and
show 100% support!
101. Confidentiality
Women are usually blessed with the gift of gab, making it easy, sometimes too
easy, to talk to other people. Keep information shared to you by your mate in
100% confidence. Unless they have told you of a crime they have committed, they
are confiding in you and placing full trust in your relationship. All it takes is one
time of spilling private information for the entire relationship to suffer.
As you can see, relationships take work. However, with the right attitude, a lot of hard
work, and some unique ideas on how to make it successful, couples can have a strong,
lifelong relationship!

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